Nine Lives
by AFoolsDecadence
Summary: Daryl's thoughts after being taken into the Governor's walker arena with Merle and Andrea. set directly after S3/E8. M for language


**A one shot about what's going through Daryl's mind after being brought into the Governor's little arena. Hope you enjoy it, please review!**

Daryl's heart was hammering in his chest. It was beating so fast he briefly wondered whether it would explode out of his chest at any second.

He had never been this nervous in his entire life, not before the walkers came, not since. He glanced around, seeing the crazed, blood thirsty expression on people's faces, screaming for his demise. They couldn't wait for him to be ripped to shreds in front of their eyes.

His eyes landed on Merle. He couldn't remember ever seeing his brother in a situation that he couldn't get out of, but right now Merle looked scared. His eyes, too, darted around, latching onto the Governor. Despite his own anxiety Daryl felt a twinge of satisfaction.

_Serves him right for trustin' a fuckin' lunatic._

Merle's eyes landed on him for a second. Daryl tried to keep his face as passive as possible. He didn't want to show any emotions, give these people nothing to use against him. Speaking up now and saying the wrong thing or doing something stupid could bring his death about a lot quicker. He had to try and stall as much as he could.

_Why? What's gonna happen then? Ain't nobody comin' for you._

Daryl shook his head angrily to get rid of the thought. Rick and the others would notice he was gone and they would come back for him.

_You idiot. If they're not dead already, they got their asses outta here. The hurtin' Merle put on Glenn'll slow them down some, but they could get away. Save many and loose one. You're shit outta luck._

Daryl clenched his teeth. He would have done it that way, too. It was the only way to get at least some of them out of this crazy ass town.

He knew. He knew he was on his own and that no one would help him this time. But there was this tiny nagging voice way back in his head that threatened to let hope fill his thoughts. Maybe, just maybe Rick was reckless enough to risk it and come back for him.

_Cut that shit out! Ain't nobody comin' for ya! You're on your own. Again._

His eyes darted around the room, filled with the gleaming eyes of people who wanted to see blood for what had happened. His gaze landed on Andrea.

He'd almost said something to her when he'd first seen her, standing just a couple of feet away from him. He had never known whether to believe that the walkers had actually taken her down. She was a tough one, she could've gotten away, survived. They should've looked for her, gone back, to make sure that she was dead.

_You for real? Your sorry ass is about to be eaten to death and you decide to spend your last fuckin' minutes feelin' bad for someone else?_

It was sad, but it was true. He sure had changed. If Merle could see what was going on in his head, he'd laugh at his little brother for sure. But Daryl had never had to think about anyone else before, never wanted to care about others. And now? Now Merle wasn't his only family anymore.

His heart still slamming against his chest, sweat trickling down the back of his neck into the grimy collar of his shirt, his thoughts went back to the prison.

He knew he was going to die now. He wouldn't see any of them again, not in this life. He wouldn't get to tease the shit out of Glenn again. He wouldn't get so see Carl become more of a man with every passing day. He wouldn't get to hold the little Asskicker again. But she'd be safe. Lori might be dead, but she'd have a new mother. Carol.

Daryl swallowed the lump in his throat.

He wouldn't get to see Carol again. He had just gotten her back from the dead, never having been so relieved in his entire life as he had been when he'd reached out for her cheek and had felt the warmth of her human self.

_Well, life's a bitch, ain't it. Guess that was just too fuckin' good to be true._

So Carol was going to live and he wasn't. if it had to be one or the other he was glad it was going to be this way. If anyone deserved to live it was her. He wanted her to live, to be happy again. But it sure would've been nice if he'd been able to be around for all that. He wanted to see her smile again, have her tease him mercilessly for being so grumpy. He wanted to see her fuss around that baby girl, annoying the shit out of him with her crooning.

_Ain't ever gonna happen, you sentimental idiot. _

Daryl's breath hitched and he clenched his fists.

He wondered what would happen to her. He knew she could take care of herself now, he'd seen her with the shotgun, taking out walkers. The last eight months she had worked like hell not to feel like a burden anymore, trying to do as much as possible for the group. He was proud of how far she'd come. But would it be enough? What if something happened and she couldn't defend herself in time? If a walker grabbed her from behind and sunk its rotting teeth into the soft flesh of her neck?

Daryl shuddered in disgust at the thought. If he hadn't come here, if he hadn't had let himself be taken to easily, he could have prevented that from ever happening. He would have always protected Carol, no matter what.

_But you had to come for Glenn and Maggie, didn't ya? Thought they were worth it. And then you let yourself get separated from the group, hopin' to get Merle alone for a second. You stupid fuck. No way that woulda worked. And now? Now you're useless to her._

But maybe he was wrong. Maybe she would be fine, having herself and the rest of the group protecting her. Maybe the walkers would go away in a couple of years, or they would manage to find a safe place to stay, find other people. Maybe Carol would find someone to be happy with.

A small instinctual growl escaped Daryl's throat at the thought as he clenched his fists tighter. He did want Carol to be happy, but not in a way that included some asshole putting his hands on her.

_You jealous now? Don't be fuckin' ridiculous. Even if you survived this, ain't no way she would have ya, so quit dreamin'._

But he couldn't help himself. Whenever someone came near Carol he immediately grew tense, even if it was Rick. Especially if it was Rick.

_Yeah she sure was glad to see him again, wasn't she? Didn't hug you that way after you got her out of that cell._

It was stupid. Of course she was glad to see Rick, that didn't mean anything. But he was helpless against the surges of jealousy whenever another guy came near her. He had watched her like a hawk around the inmates, especially that Axel dude, who was way too shifty for Daryl's taste. If he'd ever come on to Carol he would've chopped his fucking hands off.

_Thanks to you he could be doin' it right now._

Daryl felt a rush of anger overtake him. It had been incredibly careless of them to go after Glenn and Maggie. Leaving the girls with Hershel and Carl. What kind of protection could they give them if something happened? Even though Daryl was certain that Carl would not hesitate to shoot someone who put one of the group in danger, he couldn't be everywhere at once. And he was still just a kid, easy to overpower.

_If somethin' happens back there it's your own fuckin' fault and you know it._

The sudden fear for Carol and the others briefly overshadowed his dread for his own fate.

_Well, now you're gonna die without ever havin' had the fuckin' balls to tell her._

Tell her what? There was nothing to tell. Not really. It wasn't like he would've made her a declaration of love or some shit like that, he had no idea how to love. But he would have liked to apologize. To apologize for believing she was dead, for not searching the entire prison, for not slicing open every single walker to make absolutely sure she was dead. He'd just assumed, just accepted it. His shame at having underestimated her, at having no faith in her and not making the effort to look for her had irked him to no end ever since he'd found her knife stuck in the walker's throat.

_Who the fuck d'you think you're kiddin'? That ain't the only thing you wanted to say._

It wasn't. Once he had carefully put Carol down on the lower cot in her cell, he'd had to physically clamp his teeth shut to stop the words from falling out. It hadn't been the time, she was dehydrated and exhausted and a second later Rick had come back with Michonne.

Daryl had wanted to apologize. But he'd also wanted to tell her, to promise her that he would never let her get lost again. He would never doubt her again, he would always save her and always look for her, always find her. He wanted to vow it, to make her understand that she could trust him to protect her, to be there for her. In any way she needed him to. In any way she wanted him to.

_Looks like you woulda broken that vow, so just be glad you were too much of a pussy to say it and let her get on without havin' that stuck in her head._

Daryl heard the walkers in the room moaning, their breath rattling. He squeezed his eyes shut and thought of Carol's gleaming blue eyes, her laugh and her fake proposition to screw around, which had made him almost fall off the bus. He thought of the look of sheer relief and gratitude on her face when he opened the door to the solitary cell and she saw it was him who had found her. And he thought of the last time they spoke, the last moment he would ever see her.

_I could use one of your nine lives right about now, Carol. Just so I could get back to you._


End file.
